I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
