I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
58.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination