Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*