I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
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incredible
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.