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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You are what you delete.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken