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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
black phone good
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help