I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Worm Regards”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume