I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years