I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead


If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.


I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


“HELP!” Joe pants.

“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.




RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family


[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?


I took my 16 year old’s phone away for a week and I’m 100% sure I’m very sorry about what she did.


You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”