Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

wait.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

my favorite gender

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied