I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
So sick of all these stupid rules
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”