I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.

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Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.


*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.


HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?


[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait


I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..


Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?


I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.