Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.