My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Nice try Hitler
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely