@Dirty_Naomi

I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.

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@Sal0630

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium

@Darlainky

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@OllyiConic

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

@SteveKoehler22

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@lilgapeach30

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.