Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …
When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing
Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.