I love snow
– People who never shovel
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The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
This joke is 7 years old
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.