I love snow
– People who never shovel
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.