Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

😂

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?