Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hackers play passwordle

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

What the hell happened here.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Order here:
More here:

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff