Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

What a year we’ve had this week.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire