Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

did it work

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Me redecorating every room in my mind

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.