I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Does your wife know you’re single?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…