Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Running from your problems is cardio .

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.