I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?