I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You Might Also Like
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I am yelling
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills