Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel