Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

🤣😂🤣

twitter users today:

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

im gay on my mothers side

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me