I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.