I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Lmao 😁
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit