I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
