I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Oh, I bet you would be
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.