Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.