I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
You Might Also Like
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic