Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

why am I working on Labor Day

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*