I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
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Sending in my taxes
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Ken is short for chicken
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Wolves should really raise more people.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?