I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
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I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.