Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*