I love texting my boyfriend
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.