I love texting my boyfriend
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now