Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

*offers Batman cough drops*

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

want me to check your oil?