I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The First Farmer
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery