Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Every. Damn. Time.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened