I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
You Might Also Like
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Self-cleaning conscience
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
philosophical skeletons be like
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
love it when they get my name right
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Children of the Corn Man
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately