i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
when she block me on everything
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian