i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg