Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

My neck my back my allergy attack

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice