Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Just a friendly reminder!

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*