Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children