Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

accurate

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

I did not eat the cake…

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.