i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
no exceptions
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.