@hero_ofthenight

I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man

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@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@Dustinkcouch

pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn’t

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

@david8hughes

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. Whatโ€™s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@mommajessiec

There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.