Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean