Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.