Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND