Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so i’m at the stock market right

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

That’s fair

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.