Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

That stupid look on my face, is my face

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!