I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
You Might Also Like
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.