I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.