I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.