I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The Punning Dead.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me