Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.