Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.