Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.