News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me too, bag. Me too….
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*