Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

😂😂

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

If you need a laugh.. 😅

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon