Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.