I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Not my job 😂
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.