I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
You Might Also Like
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Never forget.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.