Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The Chosen Phew

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

The old gods are rising again.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.