I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Noah was an idiot.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I think this might be relevant today.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
accurate
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.