I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Incredible customer service.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.