Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

What about second breakfast?

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.