Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

work smarter, not harder

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”