Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Penguins walking in 5x speed

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.