Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

where do you see yourself in five years?

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.