i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
sin harder.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.