i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
![]()
You Might Also Like
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?