Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Vodka burrito was a success

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Doug is just Canadian for dog

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

Our lord and savoury.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Netflix and scream at our children?!

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer